I had been waiting to choose and transfer to a midwife after my 20week ultrasound. Dylan was out of town and I went to get the results from the OB. He simply said we needed to repeat the Ultrasound b/c they did not see a small membrane in the baby's brain but not to worry the baby was moving a lot and they probably couldn't get a good picture....well I worried...and started researching (bad idea)...
The small membrane is called the Septum Periducullim, its a small Membrane that divides the brain, which is not exactly the problem, the concern is that it is in the midline of the brain where all kinds of important things meet up including the optic nerves, the corpus callus, as well as the pituitary glands. Its extremely rare for it to be missing, like .2 out of 10,000.
I was referred to a Radiologist that I saw the following Tues.
It wasn't good.
He clearly showed me where the membrane should be and it was clearly not there. I fell into a tunnel at that moment. He started on a long list of different diagnosis, what else could be missing, a bunch of things I couldn't even begin to focus on.
Manly what stuck out was his rush to get me to an MRI so we could see WHAT ELSE was missing, so that we had the opportunity to terminate......
Well, of course my world fell apart. Or more like it stopped. I spent hours on the internet looking for any glimpse of Hope. I found a few articles but most of them showed the varying degrees of Septo-optic displasia, (WOW, these parents are amazing, I just don't know if I could be that person...) to a forum that had stories like "I do not have a septum and am fine", or "My daughter is a blind but successful musician" which I held onto, but most were really scarey.
First the guilt, all Mamas know it
Mama Guilt...
THe thinking back to every time I forgot to take a vitamin, ate sushi, or took a sip of wine, to the absurd like driving with my cell phone in my lap, or not choosing organic.
I felt like the most selfish person on the planet. I saw dreams of our family future falling apart. It was hard but I learned a lot.
A lot About myself and about what you don't see inside the people around you that might be hiding something huge they are dealing with, just trying to fight through the day.
A lot of patience.
My Mantra became "Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things that I do not control".
It was hard, and am not sure I convicence myself I was that strong of a person.
Finally the big day. Dylan took off a special friend took the girls for the day so we could get through it all. (how blessed I am)
It started with yet another ultra sound that showed the same results. Quite room. Lots of important smart people from Texas Childrens, with blank stares. Then to the MRI, where I laid for over an hour b/c the baby did not like that loud noise and it was hard to get a good picture.
Then Lunch,
not much eating,
plenty of worry.
lots of love.
I can't believe how much my husband loves me. and I him. What a rock I married.
We go back to meet the head neurologist who has agreed to come over to give us the results b/c it is so rare....great.
They put us in a room, close the door and 2 min later returns with a box of tissues that she sets right in front of us....awesome.
I will never look at a box of tissues the same. ever.
The Doctor arrives finally and after some small talk turns to open the results and says, " I don't know how to tell you this...but I have great news! everything is there! everything is fine"
WHAT?!
"See" He says " I told them you were going to cry!"
indeed I did.
Turns out they never see it 'reapear' on an MRI, like I said these tests were to see what else was missing not to find out the baby was fine. The explanation for it is that the septum is actually two thin layers of membrane very close to together and this baby has a small gap making it less dense and was not picked up on ultrasound.
Whatever, I have my own explanation, my prayers were answered.
My rock said "just remember to pray for all those who left this room, that did not get the results that we did." I love him.
We normally do not find out the sex of our baby....but after all those expensive pictures it was quite obvious that we are having another beautiful baby GIRL :)
And could NOT in anyway be more happy.
It puts new meaning to ..."as long as they are health"
Here is a video of our little blessing, its a new technology called an MRI movement study. SO COOL :)
